This page is pretty good guys and girls, I would recommend having a look.
Monday 30 November 2009
A new day
So far so good. I think after venting yesterday I have managed to wake up in a much better mood. I can see things a little more clearly now that I have got everything out of my system.
I did however get a little drunk last night, but it helped me sleep. I also took far too many laxatives and woke up this morning at about 6am in pain but now i'm past that I feel really good. I got my weight down to 146 lbs...which is no where near my target but at least it is progress. I cant believe that a year ago I used to weigh 20 lbs less than that. I guess this past year has really taken its toll on me. My weight was forever going up and down.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be able to say I have an eating disorder. I mean I'm 146 lbs and my lowest recorded weight was about 126-7 lbs. I do understand that an eating disorder is something that affects how you look at food, body weight and image but if I was really that messed up I would be like 100 lbs?? I do hate the way I treat food and how I feel like I have to burn off all the calories I ingest in a day or else I will get fat but I dont want to change. I know that sometimes it makes me miserable but part of me likes it. Does that sound wrong? That I enjoy putting myself through these daily rituals, that I cant eat out with friends, that I avoid social events because I dont feel worthy enough to participate? Does anyone else understand that?
Anyway, I have only had a cup of coffee and my B vitamins today. Going to have another cup of coffee in a bit to warm me up and also try to drink 3 litres of water. Its so cold in my house today that most of my liquid intake will be black tea and coffee :) I am addicted to the stuff.
On a really good note, Its only 17 days until I have my holidays :) 2 weeks of detoxing and extreme exercise. I know that Christmas is going to be a little difficult but if I just stay strong I know that I can do it. And to make things even better I am only 1 lb away from my second goal weight. Hopefully by this time next week I will be about 139 lbs. Still gross but a lot lot better than what I started at when I opened this blog.
Gotta go, but I hope you are all doing well. xxx
I did however get a little drunk last night, but it helped me sleep. I also took far too many laxatives and woke up this morning at about 6am in pain but now i'm past that I feel really good. I got my weight down to 146 lbs...which is no where near my target but at least it is progress. I cant believe that a year ago I used to weigh 20 lbs less than that. I guess this past year has really taken its toll on me. My weight was forever going up and down.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be able to say I have an eating disorder. I mean I'm 146 lbs and my lowest recorded weight was about 126-7 lbs. I do understand that an eating disorder is something that affects how you look at food, body weight and image but if I was really that messed up I would be like 100 lbs?? I do hate the way I treat food and how I feel like I have to burn off all the calories I ingest in a day or else I will get fat but I dont want to change. I know that sometimes it makes me miserable but part of me likes it. Does that sound wrong? That I enjoy putting myself through these daily rituals, that I cant eat out with friends, that I avoid social events because I dont feel worthy enough to participate? Does anyone else understand that?
Anyway, I have only had a cup of coffee and my B vitamins today. Going to have another cup of coffee in a bit to warm me up and also try to drink 3 litres of water. Its so cold in my house today that most of my liquid intake will be black tea and coffee :) I am addicted to the stuff.
On a really good note, Its only 17 days until I have my holidays :) 2 weeks of detoxing and extreme exercise. I know that Christmas is going to be a little difficult but if I just stay strong I know that I can do it. And to make things even better I am only 1 lb away from my second goal weight. Hopefully by this time next week I will be about 139 lbs. Still gross but a lot lot better than what I started at when I opened this blog.
Gotta go, but I hope you are all doing well. xxx
Sunday 29 November 2009
Regaining control
I feel like I have totally lost control of everything around me. For example, I'm back drinking, started to self harm again and am still bingng. But i am making a pact with myself. As of this very minute I am going to regain my control and lose all this disgusting weight. I am not at work tomorrow which means I should be able to do a detox fast. 24 hours of the mapel syrup diet to kick start my weight loss and then one bowl of soup on Tuesday. If I try to alternate my calorie intakes everyday then I am sure to trick my metabolism. Plus I will be taking my fat burner tablets as well as my B vitamins.
I really feel kinda down at the moment. Things have been so difficult for me recently and I know that I should have wrote about it but i just haven't found the time or the energy to discuss it. Basically I have stopped speaking to D because things are far too messed up (Note: never have an affair. The guy will never love you as much as you love him, it will always end in disaster and you will be left feeling hollow - second note: binging doesn't fill that empty space) I cant be around him anymore. I want to be happy and having him in my life; as a friend or a lover, will mean that I will never be happy. The next thing to blag my head is my relationship with J. We are friends, really good friends. He is as messed up as me, infact probably more messed up than what I am. Whenever I am with him I feel totally at ease. I can discuss my eating disorder with him, I can talk about all my feelings, regrets and wants and he actually listens to me. But the problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him on more than just a platonic level. I know that these feelings are stupid. I mean we are never going to get together but I can dream cant i?? See he has just had a kid with someone - a kid that was never planned, not to say that he doesn't love M but it wasn't something that was meant to be. J and E hooked up one night and well, accidents happen. The thing is that me and J were getting on so well. And then all this happened. To top of all that M could have actually been D's baby as E had slept with J and D in the run up to the pregnancy. You all still following me?? Coz i'm getting terribly lost!?! As you can see the situation for J is pretty harsh. E's parents hate him, his best mate has being slagging him off something terrible and well I guess I am one of the few people he can talk to....thats why we have being getting on so well as of late. But with all the above problems going on in his life there is no way that I would ever make a move....Until I got drunk. Thursday night i got wasted on wine and told him that i wanted to sleep with him. I know...what the hell was I thinking??!! We have barely spoke since. And I know that sleeping with him has set him back a bit. I was one of the few people he could trust, one of the few people he could rely on the make things seem better and now i gone and messed it all up. The feelings that I am having for him are just because I am lonely, I guess I get clingy when I am depressed. But now I have this immense guilt, like I have derailed him. But I can't talk to him about it because he is going to think that I am being neurotic...which I probably am!
I just wish I could have that friendship back. I feel so alone at the moment. God, I hate that word. ALONE. Just saying that you feel that way makes you feel even worse about your life. But physically I do feel somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. There doesnt seem to be anything for me anymore. My best friend; LP, was supposed to come to mine on Saturday night and she never turned up. This isn't the first time that she has let me down. But maybe she knows that im going through some shit at the moment and doesnt want to get involved with it. I mean for some people, taking about suicide, eating disorders and addictions are hard to handle. For example my friend LR told me that she tried to commit suicide on Wednesday. Now I have been all through that before, but even for me, that was kinda hard to talk about. Listening to her talk about why she took all those pills, what was going on in her life, how she felt she had nothing to live for....it all struck me...and I had to sit there and give a ton of advice and at the end of it I felt like such a hypocrite. I mean, I was sat there telling her that the world is a place worth living in, that the "right guy" would turn up in her life, blahblahblah...but deep down inside me I knew that everything I was saying was a lie. But I couldn't tell her "everything sucks, you will never mean Mr Right coz he doesn't exsist, trying is just too hard....give up"
Maybe I should go speak to someone about all this. Somedays I wake up and really wish that I didn't have to worry about my weight or mental stability. Sometimes I wish that I could wake up with a smile on my face and make it last all day long. But I just guess that not everyone is supposed to be happy. I have tried to do things to make my life better but I get so far through them and realise that it isnt what I want. You know, I dont think I have ever actually completed any of my goals. I have these massive ideas, That I am going to be a burlesque dancer, an artist, a tattooist, play an instrument, be 113 lbs....but im never going to et there because I am too weak to push myself.
I need to pick one thing and really focus on that....something other than being 113 lbs. I dont want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be happy but I have no idea as to where to start.
I wanna text J, but I know I can't. His last message said that he would contact me when he felt better. If I text him then not only do I look needy, but I will blag his head. Maybe I should just go and sleep it off. Wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective, a go get 'em attitude.
Ok...plan for tomorrow... to distract myslef from feeling so low I will go for a walk (well so long as it isnt raining) If it is raining I will do some housework, read my book...anything to keep my mind busy.
You know what is even sadder that not having real friends....that I dont even have online friends. I mean seriously I need to sort my shit out. I need to go out and find something that makes me happy. I need to stop relying on J or anyone else for that matter to make me happy, coz they will only dissapoint me, The only person that can change things for me is ME.
Rant over.
xxx
I really feel kinda down at the moment. Things have been so difficult for me recently and I know that I should have wrote about it but i just haven't found the time or the energy to discuss it. Basically I have stopped speaking to D because things are far too messed up (Note: never have an affair. The guy will never love you as much as you love him, it will always end in disaster and you will be left feeling hollow - second note: binging doesn't fill that empty space) I cant be around him anymore. I want to be happy and having him in my life; as a friend or a lover, will mean that I will never be happy. The next thing to blag my head is my relationship with J. We are friends, really good friends. He is as messed up as me, infact probably more messed up than what I am. Whenever I am with him I feel totally at ease. I can discuss my eating disorder with him, I can talk about all my feelings, regrets and wants and he actually listens to me. But the problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him on more than just a platonic level. I know that these feelings are stupid. I mean we are never going to get together but I can dream cant i?? See he has just had a kid with someone - a kid that was never planned, not to say that he doesn't love M but it wasn't something that was meant to be. J and E hooked up one night and well, accidents happen. The thing is that me and J were getting on so well. And then all this happened. To top of all that M could have actually been D's baby as E had slept with J and D in the run up to the pregnancy. You all still following me?? Coz i'm getting terribly lost!?! As you can see the situation for J is pretty harsh. E's parents hate him, his best mate has being slagging him off something terrible and well I guess I am one of the few people he can talk to....thats why we have being getting on so well as of late. But with all the above problems going on in his life there is no way that I would ever make a move....Until I got drunk. Thursday night i got wasted on wine and told him that i wanted to sleep with him. I know...what the hell was I thinking??!! We have barely spoke since. And I know that sleeping with him has set him back a bit. I was one of the few people he could trust, one of the few people he could rely on the make things seem better and now i gone and messed it all up. The feelings that I am having for him are just because I am lonely, I guess I get clingy when I am depressed. But now I have this immense guilt, like I have derailed him. But I can't talk to him about it because he is going to think that I am being neurotic...which I probably am!
I just wish I could have that friendship back. I feel so alone at the moment. God, I hate that word. ALONE. Just saying that you feel that way makes you feel even worse about your life. But physically I do feel somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. There doesnt seem to be anything for me anymore. My best friend; LP, was supposed to come to mine on Saturday night and she never turned up. This isn't the first time that she has let me down. But maybe she knows that im going through some shit at the moment and doesnt want to get involved with it. I mean for some people, taking about suicide, eating disorders and addictions are hard to handle. For example my friend LR told me that she tried to commit suicide on Wednesday. Now I have been all through that before, but even for me, that was kinda hard to talk about. Listening to her talk about why she took all those pills, what was going on in her life, how she felt she had nothing to live for....it all struck me...and I had to sit there and give a ton of advice and at the end of it I felt like such a hypocrite. I mean, I was sat there telling her that the world is a place worth living in, that the "right guy" would turn up in her life, blahblahblah...but deep down inside me I knew that everything I was saying was a lie. But I couldn't tell her "everything sucks, you will never mean Mr Right coz he doesn't exsist, trying is just too hard....give up"
Maybe I should go speak to someone about all this. Somedays I wake up and really wish that I didn't have to worry about my weight or mental stability. Sometimes I wish that I could wake up with a smile on my face and make it last all day long. But I just guess that not everyone is supposed to be happy. I have tried to do things to make my life better but I get so far through them and realise that it isnt what I want. You know, I dont think I have ever actually completed any of my goals. I have these massive ideas, That I am going to be a burlesque dancer, an artist, a tattooist, play an instrument, be 113 lbs....but im never going to et there because I am too weak to push myself.
I need to pick one thing and really focus on that....something other than being 113 lbs. I dont want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be happy but I have no idea as to where to start.
I wanna text J, but I know I can't. His last message said that he would contact me when he felt better. If I text him then not only do I look needy, but I will blag his head. Maybe I should just go and sleep it off. Wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective, a go get 'em attitude.
Ok...plan for tomorrow... to distract myslef from feeling so low I will go for a walk (well so long as it isnt raining) If it is raining I will do some housework, read my book...anything to keep my mind busy.
You know what is even sadder that not having real friends....that I dont even have online friends. I mean seriously I need to sort my shit out. I need to go out and find something that makes me happy. I need to stop relying on J or anyone else for that matter to make me happy, coz they will only dissapoint me, The only person that can change things for me is ME.
Rant over.
xxx
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