A new day

So far so good. I think after venting yesterday I have managed to wake up in a much better mood. I can see things a little more clearly now that I have got everything out of my system.
I did however get a little drunk last night, but it helped me sleep. I also took far too many laxatives and woke up this morning at about 6am in pain but now i'm past that I feel really good. I got my weight down to 146 lbs...which is no where near my target but at least it is progress. I cant believe that a year ago I used to weigh 20 lbs less than that. I guess this past year has really taken its toll on me. My weight was forever going up and down.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be able to say I have an eating disorder. I mean I'm 146 lbs and my lowest recorded weight was about 126-7 lbs. I do understand that an eating disorder is something that affects how you look at food, body weight and image but if I was really that messed up I would be like 100 lbs?? I do hate the way I treat food and how I feel like I have to burn off all the calories I ingest in a day or else I will get fat but I dont want to change. I know that sometimes it makes me miserable but part of me likes it. Does that sound wrong? That I enjoy putting myself through these daily rituals, that I cant eat out with friends, that I avoid social events because I dont feel worthy enough to participate? Does anyone else understand that?
Anyway, I have only had a cup of coffee and my B vitamins today. Going to have another cup of coffee in a bit to warm me up and also try to drink 3 litres of water. Its so cold in my house today that most of my liquid intake will be black tea and coffee :) I am addicted to the stuff.
On a really good note, Its only 17 days until I have my holidays :) 2 weeks of detoxing and extreme exercise. I know that Christmas is going to be a little difficult but if I just stay strong I know that I can do it. And to make things even better I am only 1 lb away from my second goal weight. Hopefully by this time next week I will be about 139 lbs. Still gross but a lot lot better than what I started at when I opened this blog.
Gotta go, but I hope you are all doing well. xxx