Why do I keep fucking up like this? I dont even know what happened yesterday I just couldnt stop eating and now I have gained like 5 lbs!! Some of it I can get rid of with Lax but I just feel like im taking massive steps backwards. I was doing so well. Losing weight, exercising, feeling happy. Now im fat again and I feel like I have to go through it all again just to get back to where I was. I'm going to get a quick bath, do my housework then workout for a couple of hours. My friend gets here at about 5 so I have 4 1/2 hours to work out as much as possible.
We are both water fasting so hopefully she will keep me strong. If I water fast today and tomorrow, combined with 2-3 hours of exercise today and 3 hours tomorrow then I should get back to where I was. My goal was to weigh 140 lbs by the end of the week. Now I have 8 fucking lbs to shift to meet that.
Plan: intake 0 cals, burn 2500 cals, water 3-4 ltrs.
I will not be beaten. I will not binge!
Saturday 5 December 2009
Thursday 3 December 2009
Exercise
Just finished my workout. I burnt 755 calories so I know its not really enough to compensate the binge but hey it is about 1/5th of a pound that I will have saved myslef from. Plus I burnt 2000 cals at work so I hopefully wont have gained now.
I will definately learn form my mistake, that workout ruined me! lol! But I cant wait to do it again! As soon as I finish work tomorrow I am going to do the same again but with a little extra thrown in for good measure. The DVD is called Aeorbics Oz Style (Dont know if you have heard of it) But its super cheap to buy and well thinspirational. Its has a warm up, part one, part two, abs, and cool down. What I normally do is the whole thing plus and extra warm up at the beginning. But tomorrow I'm going to do the whole things plus warm up and part one. Saturday: Whole thing plus warm up and parts one and two. Sunday: once through.
I need to get back exercising again if S is gonna meet me for a run. I know she is my friend but I have to beat her! I used to do AOS 3 times through and then go for a 10 mile bike ride everyday (I had no job and was super depressed, exercise was all I had to keep me alive) Well that feeling is coming back. I have to get fitter. I feel so happy now. Exercise really does fix broken brains lol! xx
I will definately learn form my mistake, that workout ruined me! lol! But I cant wait to do it again! As soon as I finish work tomorrow I am going to do the same again but with a little extra thrown in for good measure. The DVD is called Aeorbics Oz Style (Dont know if you have heard of it) But its super cheap to buy and well thinspirational. Its has a warm up, part one, part two, abs, and cool down. What I normally do is the whole thing plus and extra warm up at the beginning. But tomorrow I'm going to do the whole things plus warm up and part one. Saturday: Whole thing plus warm up and parts one and two. Sunday: once through.
I need to get back exercising again if S is gonna meet me for a run. I know she is my friend but I have to beat her! I used to do AOS 3 times through and then go for a 10 mile bike ride everyday (I had no job and was super depressed, exercise was all I had to keep me alive) Well that feeling is coming back. I have to get fitter. I feel so happy now. Exercise really does fix broken brains lol! xx
Im a fucking pig!!
Sorry about the swearing but the title says it all. I just binged on a stupid amount of cookies. I thre up a little bit but it just kept getting stuck in my throat coz i have hard drunk anything today.
I knew I was going to binge as soon as I finished work. I went to the shop and almost bought Pizza. Decided that it would be better to have some steamed vegetables. Had the veg but then couldnt resist. Ran to the cupboards and threw the mixture into a bowl then gorged on the whole lot. I have no idea of how many calories were in it. Probably 2000 maybe more! I just havent got a clue. I dont even want to think about it anymore. I know i have burnt 2000 cals off at work today (God bless my heart rate monitor) but now I need to do some serious exercise. Going to do about 2 hours of aerobics and see how much I can burn. Damage limitation. I should be able to burn 800 cals off in 2 hours. Maybe a little more. Gotta push myself. Gotta be thin. I will not turn the control over to a freaking cookie...or a barrel of the bastards!
Hope you girls and guys are doing better than me. And I hope I havent triggered anyone. Please be stronger than me xx
Hope you girls and guys are doing a hell of a lot better than me. And I hope I haven't triggered. Be stronger than me. xx
I knew I was going to binge as soon as I finished work. I went to the shop and almost bought Pizza. Decided that it would be better to have some steamed vegetables. Had the veg but then couldnt resist. Ran to the cupboards and threw the mixture into a bowl then gorged on the whole lot. I have no idea of how many calories were in it. Probably 2000 maybe more! I just havent got a clue. I dont even want to think about it anymore. I know i have burnt 2000 cals off at work today (God bless my heart rate monitor) but now I need to do some serious exercise. Going to do about 2 hours of aerobics and see how much I can burn. Damage limitation. I should be able to burn 800 cals off in 2 hours. Maybe a little more. Gotta push myself. Gotta be thin. I will not turn the control over to a freaking cookie...or a barrel of the bastards!
Hope you girls and guys are doing better than me. And I hope I havent triggered anyone. Please be stronger than me xx
Hope you girls and guys are doing a hell of a lot better than me. And I hope I haven't triggered. Be stronger than me. xx
Wednesday 2 December 2009
Happy!!!!!!
Hurray!!! Work called and they want me to come in tomorrow. All is not lost! I'm losing weight and I still have a job! Hopefully they will let me work Saturday and Sunday so I can make up for the days I have lost. I'll be working for 10 hours tomorrow which means I will be walking around and burning calories (about 2500) plus I wont be eating whilst I'm there. Roll on half four tomorrow!!
Progress
Good News! I'm 143 lbs today. Which means I can say for certain that I have met my second goal weight. Just 3 lbs to go until I meet my next goal.
Still not at work though, which means I have no money. I won't get paid until 11th and when I do get paid I will only get about £50 :( I'm really panicking because I have rent due on 7th and I barely have enough to cover it. Ended up crying myself to sleep last night over the fact that I cant even go 6 months without losing a job or losing all my money. Im pretty pathetic really. The only good thing that I have in my life is that I am losing weight. Its the only thing keeping me focused. At this rate I will be definatley at my goal weight by Christmas!
My friend (who also has an eating disorder) has said that she is going to come round this week so we can do some exercise together. I cant wait to lose more weight!
Still not at work though, which means I have no money. I won't get paid until 11th and when I do get paid I will only get about £50 :( I'm really panicking because I have rent due on 7th and I barely have enough to cover it. Ended up crying myself to sleep last night over the fact that I cant even go 6 months without losing a job or losing all my money. Im pretty pathetic really. The only good thing that I have in my life is that I am losing weight. Its the only thing keeping me focused. At this rate I will be definatley at my goal weight by Christmas!
My friend (who also has an eating disorder) has said that she is going to come round this week so we can do some exercise together. I cant wait to lose more weight!
Tuesday 1 December 2009
New rules
I was 144.6 lbs this morning which is fantastic but now I am petrified of eating or drinking anything incase I gain. I dont even want to have water because I know that will increase my weight. The rational side of me knows that the more water I drink the less water I store, thus probably losing a little more weight but I have worked so hard to get my weight down that I really couldn't bear to see it go up. So long as I stay under 145 lbs I will have reached my second goal weight. My next goal is 140 lbs and I want to be 129 lbs by Christmas...which is totally possible. 25 days to lose 11 lbs. I just cant believe that I allowed myself to get into this state. But I know I can do it. Just reading everyone elses posts gives me the strength to say no to food and yes to thin.
So this is my december plan:
So this is my december plan:
- to quit drinking alcohol
- to go vegan
- to drink 3 ltrs of water a day
- to intake less than 500 calories a day
Monday 30 November 2009
A new day
So far so good. I think after venting yesterday I have managed to wake up in a much better mood. I can see things a little more clearly now that I have got everything out of my system.
I did however get a little drunk last night, but it helped me sleep. I also took far too many laxatives and woke up this morning at about 6am in pain but now i'm past that I feel really good. I got my weight down to 146 lbs...which is no where near my target but at least it is progress. I cant believe that a year ago I used to weigh 20 lbs less than that. I guess this past year has really taken its toll on me. My weight was forever going up and down.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be able to say I have an eating disorder. I mean I'm 146 lbs and my lowest recorded weight was about 126-7 lbs. I do understand that an eating disorder is something that affects how you look at food, body weight and image but if I was really that messed up I would be like 100 lbs?? I do hate the way I treat food and how I feel like I have to burn off all the calories I ingest in a day or else I will get fat but I dont want to change. I know that sometimes it makes me miserable but part of me likes it. Does that sound wrong? That I enjoy putting myself through these daily rituals, that I cant eat out with friends, that I avoid social events because I dont feel worthy enough to participate? Does anyone else understand that?
Anyway, I have only had a cup of coffee and my B vitamins today. Going to have another cup of coffee in a bit to warm me up and also try to drink 3 litres of water. Its so cold in my house today that most of my liquid intake will be black tea and coffee :) I am addicted to the stuff.
On a really good note, Its only 17 days until I have my holidays :) 2 weeks of detoxing and extreme exercise. I know that Christmas is going to be a little difficult but if I just stay strong I know that I can do it. And to make things even better I am only 1 lb away from my second goal weight. Hopefully by this time next week I will be about 139 lbs. Still gross but a lot lot better than what I started at when I opened this blog.
Gotta go, but I hope you are all doing well. xxx
I did however get a little drunk last night, but it helped me sleep. I also took far too many laxatives and woke up this morning at about 6am in pain but now i'm past that I feel really good. I got my weight down to 146 lbs...which is no where near my target but at least it is progress. I cant believe that a year ago I used to weigh 20 lbs less than that. I guess this past year has really taken its toll on me. My weight was forever going up and down.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be able to say I have an eating disorder. I mean I'm 146 lbs and my lowest recorded weight was about 126-7 lbs. I do understand that an eating disorder is something that affects how you look at food, body weight and image but if I was really that messed up I would be like 100 lbs?? I do hate the way I treat food and how I feel like I have to burn off all the calories I ingest in a day or else I will get fat but I dont want to change. I know that sometimes it makes me miserable but part of me likes it. Does that sound wrong? That I enjoy putting myself through these daily rituals, that I cant eat out with friends, that I avoid social events because I dont feel worthy enough to participate? Does anyone else understand that?
Anyway, I have only had a cup of coffee and my B vitamins today. Going to have another cup of coffee in a bit to warm me up and also try to drink 3 litres of water. Its so cold in my house today that most of my liquid intake will be black tea and coffee :) I am addicted to the stuff.
On a really good note, Its only 17 days until I have my holidays :) 2 weeks of detoxing and extreme exercise. I know that Christmas is going to be a little difficult but if I just stay strong I know that I can do it. And to make things even better I am only 1 lb away from my second goal weight. Hopefully by this time next week I will be about 139 lbs. Still gross but a lot lot better than what I started at when I opened this blog.
Gotta go, but I hope you are all doing well. xxx
Sunday 29 November 2009
Regaining control
I feel like I have totally lost control of everything around me. For example, I'm back drinking, started to self harm again and am still bingng. But i am making a pact with myself. As of this very minute I am going to regain my control and lose all this disgusting weight. I am not at work tomorrow which means I should be able to do a detox fast. 24 hours of the mapel syrup diet to kick start my weight loss and then one bowl of soup on Tuesday. If I try to alternate my calorie intakes everyday then I am sure to trick my metabolism. Plus I will be taking my fat burner tablets as well as my B vitamins.
I really feel kinda down at the moment. Things have been so difficult for me recently and I know that I should have wrote about it but i just haven't found the time or the energy to discuss it. Basically I have stopped speaking to D because things are far too messed up (Note: never have an affair. The guy will never love you as much as you love him, it will always end in disaster and you will be left feeling hollow - second note: binging doesn't fill that empty space) I cant be around him anymore. I want to be happy and having him in my life; as a friend or a lover, will mean that I will never be happy. The next thing to blag my head is my relationship with J. We are friends, really good friends. He is as messed up as me, infact probably more messed up than what I am. Whenever I am with him I feel totally at ease. I can discuss my eating disorder with him, I can talk about all my feelings, regrets and wants and he actually listens to me. But the problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him on more than just a platonic level. I know that these feelings are stupid. I mean we are never going to get together but I can dream cant i?? See he has just had a kid with someone - a kid that was never planned, not to say that he doesn't love M but it wasn't something that was meant to be. J and E hooked up one night and well, accidents happen. The thing is that me and J were getting on so well. And then all this happened. To top of all that M could have actually been D's baby as E had slept with J and D in the run up to the pregnancy. You all still following me?? Coz i'm getting terribly lost!?! As you can see the situation for J is pretty harsh. E's parents hate him, his best mate has being slagging him off something terrible and well I guess I am one of the few people he can talk to....thats why we have being getting on so well as of late. But with all the above problems going on in his life there is no way that I would ever make a move....Until I got drunk. Thursday night i got wasted on wine and told him that i wanted to sleep with him. I know...what the hell was I thinking??!! We have barely spoke since. And I know that sleeping with him has set him back a bit. I was one of the few people he could trust, one of the few people he could rely on the make things seem better and now i gone and messed it all up. The feelings that I am having for him are just because I am lonely, I guess I get clingy when I am depressed. But now I have this immense guilt, like I have derailed him. But I can't talk to him about it because he is going to think that I am being neurotic...which I probably am!
I just wish I could have that friendship back. I feel so alone at the moment. God, I hate that word. ALONE. Just saying that you feel that way makes you feel even worse about your life. But physically I do feel somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. There doesnt seem to be anything for me anymore. My best friend; LP, was supposed to come to mine on Saturday night and she never turned up. This isn't the first time that she has let me down. But maybe she knows that im going through some shit at the moment and doesnt want to get involved with it. I mean for some people, taking about suicide, eating disorders and addictions are hard to handle. For example my friend LR told me that she tried to commit suicide on Wednesday. Now I have been all through that before, but even for me, that was kinda hard to talk about. Listening to her talk about why she took all those pills, what was going on in her life, how she felt she had nothing to live for....it all struck me...and I had to sit there and give a ton of advice and at the end of it I felt like such a hypocrite. I mean, I was sat there telling her that the world is a place worth living in, that the "right guy" would turn up in her life, blahblahblah...but deep down inside me I knew that everything I was saying was a lie. But I couldn't tell her "everything sucks, you will never mean Mr Right coz he doesn't exsist, trying is just too hard....give up"
Maybe I should go speak to someone about all this. Somedays I wake up and really wish that I didn't have to worry about my weight or mental stability. Sometimes I wish that I could wake up with a smile on my face and make it last all day long. But I just guess that not everyone is supposed to be happy. I have tried to do things to make my life better but I get so far through them and realise that it isnt what I want. You know, I dont think I have ever actually completed any of my goals. I have these massive ideas, That I am going to be a burlesque dancer, an artist, a tattooist, play an instrument, be 113 lbs....but im never going to et there because I am too weak to push myself.
I need to pick one thing and really focus on that....something other than being 113 lbs. I dont want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be happy but I have no idea as to where to start.
I wanna text J, but I know I can't. His last message said that he would contact me when he felt better. If I text him then not only do I look needy, but I will blag his head. Maybe I should just go and sleep it off. Wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective, a go get 'em attitude.
Ok...plan for tomorrow... to distract myslef from feeling so low I will go for a walk (well so long as it isnt raining) If it is raining I will do some housework, read my book...anything to keep my mind busy.
You know what is even sadder that not having real friends....that I dont even have online friends. I mean seriously I need to sort my shit out. I need to go out and find something that makes me happy. I need to stop relying on J or anyone else for that matter to make me happy, coz they will only dissapoint me, The only person that can change things for me is ME.
Rant over.
xxx
I really feel kinda down at the moment. Things have been so difficult for me recently and I know that I should have wrote about it but i just haven't found the time or the energy to discuss it. Basically I have stopped speaking to D because things are far too messed up (Note: never have an affair. The guy will never love you as much as you love him, it will always end in disaster and you will be left feeling hollow - second note: binging doesn't fill that empty space) I cant be around him anymore. I want to be happy and having him in my life; as a friend or a lover, will mean that I will never be happy. The next thing to blag my head is my relationship with J. We are friends, really good friends. He is as messed up as me, infact probably more messed up than what I am. Whenever I am with him I feel totally at ease. I can discuss my eating disorder with him, I can talk about all my feelings, regrets and wants and he actually listens to me. But the problem is that I am starting to have feelings for him on more than just a platonic level. I know that these feelings are stupid. I mean we are never going to get together but I can dream cant i?? See he has just had a kid with someone - a kid that was never planned, not to say that he doesn't love M but it wasn't something that was meant to be. J and E hooked up one night and well, accidents happen. The thing is that me and J were getting on so well. And then all this happened. To top of all that M could have actually been D's baby as E had slept with J and D in the run up to the pregnancy. You all still following me?? Coz i'm getting terribly lost!?! As you can see the situation for J is pretty harsh. E's parents hate him, his best mate has being slagging him off something terrible and well I guess I am one of the few people he can talk to....thats why we have being getting on so well as of late. But with all the above problems going on in his life there is no way that I would ever make a move....Until I got drunk. Thursday night i got wasted on wine and told him that i wanted to sleep with him. I know...what the hell was I thinking??!! We have barely spoke since. And I know that sleeping with him has set him back a bit. I was one of the few people he could trust, one of the few people he could rely on the make things seem better and now i gone and messed it all up. The feelings that I am having for him are just because I am lonely, I guess I get clingy when I am depressed. But now I have this immense guilt, like I have derailed him. But I can't talk to him about it because he is going to think that I am being neurotic...which I probably am!
I just wish I could have that friendship back. I feel so alone at the moment. God, I hate that word. ALONE. Just saying that you feel that way makes you feel even worse about your life. But physically I do feel somewhat isolated from the rest of the world. There doesnt seem to be anything for me anymore. My best friend; LP, was supposed to come to mine on Saturday night and she never turned up. This isn't the first time that she has let me down. But maybe she knows that im going through some shit at the moment and doesnt want to get involved with it. I mean for some people, taking about suicide, eating disorders and addictions are hard to handle. For example my friend LR told me that she tried to commit suicide on Wednesday. Now I have been all through that before, but even for me, that was kinda hard to talk about. Listening to her talk about why she took all those pills, what was going on in her life, how she felt she had nothing to live for....it all struck me...and I had to sit there and give a ton of advice and at the end of it I felt like such a hypocrite. I mean, I was sat there telling her that the world is a place worth living in, that the "right guy" would turn up in her life, blahblahblah...but deep down inside me I knew that everything I was saying was a lie. But I couldn't tell her "everything sucks, you will never mean Mr Right coz he doesn't exsist, trying is just too hard....give up"
Maybe I should go speak to someone about all this. Somedays I wake up and really wish that I didn't have to worry about my weight or mental stability. Sometimes I wish that I could wake up with a smile on my face and make it last all day long. But I just guess that not everyone is supposed to be happy. I have tried to do things to make my life better but I get so far through them and realise that it isnt what I want. You know, I dont think I have ever actually completed any of my goals. I have these massive ideas, That I am going to be a burlesque dancer, an artist, a tattooist, play an instrument, be 113 lbs....but im never going to et there because I am too weak to push myself.
I need to pick one thing and really focus on that....something other than being 113 lbs. I dont want to be fucked up anymore. I want to be happy but I have no idea as to where to start.
I wanna text J, but I know I can't. His last message said that he would contact me when he felt better. If I text him then not only do I look needy, but I will blag his head. Maybe I should just go and sleep it off. Wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective, a go get 'em attitude.
Ok...plan for tomorrow... to distract myslef from feeling so low I will go for a walk (well so long as it isnt raining) If it is raining I will do some housework, read my book...anything to keep my mind busy.
You know what is even sadder that not having real friends....that I dont even have online friends. I mean seriously I need to sort my shit out. I need to go out and find something that makes me happy. I need to stop relying on J or anyone else for that matter to make me happy, coz they will only dissapoint me, The only person that can change things for me is ME.
Rant over.
xxx
Wednesday 21 October 2009
HSBQ point plan
You must get at least 40 points in a day and 205 points in a week.
It is possible to achieve more than 80 points in a day and more than 320 points in a week.
The points you can get are in the list below. Make sure to save the list if you sign up for this course.
Weekends are not included so you must reach your points in 5 days.
FOOD
Fasting: 20 points
Liquid Fasting: 15 points
100-200 cals: 13 points
201-300 cals: 11 points
301-400 cals: 9 points
401-500 cals: 7 points
501-600 cals: 5 points
601-700 cals: 4 points
701-800 cals: 3 points
801-900 cals: 2 points
901-1000 cals: 1 poinst
1000 plus: -3 points
EXERCISE
Hour of activity, e.g. dance running walking etc: 10 points
100 situps: 5 points
24 Repeats of any toning exercise: 5 points
1 min plank: 2 points (click here to see what the plank is)
WATER
9-10 cups: 15 points
8 Cups: 13 points
7 cups: 10 points
6 cups: 8 points
5 cups: 6 points
4 cups: 4 points
3 cups: 2 points
2 cup: 0 points
1 or less cups: -5 points
CHALLANGE
Only drink water: 5 points
Don't shout or argue and be polite: 5 points
Stick to your plans: 5 points
Dress up: 5 points
Going to stick to this plan for a while and see how I go with it. It seems pretty easy...aim for 52 points tomorrow
It is possible to achieve more than 80 points in a day and more than 320 points in a week.
The points you can get are in the list below. Make sure to save the list if you sign up for this course.
Weekends are not included so you must reach your points in 5 days.
FOOD
Fasting: 20 points
Liquid Fasting: 15 points
100-200 cals: 13 points
201-300 cals: 11 points
301-400 cals: 9 points
401-500 cals: 7 points
501-600 cals: 5 points
601-700 cals: 4 points
701-800 cals: 3 points
801-900 cals: 2 points
901-1000 cals: 1 poinst
1000 plus: -3 points
EXERCISE
Hour of activity, e.g. dance running walking etc: 10 points
100 situps: 5 points
24 Repeats of any toning exercise: 5 points
1 min plank: 2 points (click here to see what the plank is)
WATER
9-10 cups: 15 points
8 Cups: 13 points
7 cups: 10 points
6 cups: 8 points
5 cups: 6 points
4 cups: 4 points
3 cups: 2 points
2 cup: 0 points
1 or less cups: -5 points
CHALLANGE
Only drink water: 5 points
Don't shout or argue and be polite: 5 points
Stick to your plans: 5 points
Dress up: 5 points
Going to stick to this plan for a while and see how I go with it. It seems pretty easy...aim for 52 points tomorrow
An ok day.....I guess
Even thou I binged I seemed to have lost weight??? How does that even work? I'm down 2.8lbs. Going to really limit my intake tomorrow thou. Special K bar for breakfast [88 cal] and a Go Ahead Yogurt bar for lunch [148 cals]. Dinner is always a problem as I seem to eat loads by myself ie I binge. But I really can't afford to do that anymore , not just because i'll gain but I have NO money what so ever.
Post will be pretty short tonight as I am soo tired but I will try to post something little bit more substantial tomorrow.
cw: 153.2 lbs (loss since opening this blog 2.8 lbs)
1st goal weight: 149 lbs
Post will be pretty short tonight as I am soo tired but I will try to post something little bit more substantial tomorrow.
cw: 153.2 lbs (loss since opening this blog 2.8 lbs)
1st goal weight: 149 lbs
Tuesday 20 October 2009
Fresh start?
Today went pretty bad. I was supposed to be fasting but I ended up eating breakfast. I didn't even realise what I was doing until I started eating. When I got home I binged and purged as well. I managed to get it all up but I still feel terrible about it.
However tomorrow is a new day and a new start. I started my fast at 6pm this evening and I will be keeping it up for as long as possible.
It's my birthday ten days from now and i really want it to be perfect. I know that I wont be the weight I wanted to be but at least I can make an effort.
The only problem is that I am Bulimic and so feel a great need to binge. I try so hard to fight it but sometimes it is like I am watching myself do it and I have no control over it.
I have a long way to go til i reac my UGW but I know I will get there. I will beat this Bulimia. Part of me wishes I was the person I was a year ago. I was more Anorexic back then. Able to go days without eating and not be fazed by it. I don't understand what has changed to make me binge. I cant bear it any longer.
From this moment on I will not binge, I will stick to my fast and I will beat this. I will be Skinny, I will be Beautiful and I will be Perfect. Going to update as often as I can to keep a track of how I feel and what I am eating.
I need to be honest with myself. Maybe seeing it all wrote down will make me realise how fat and disgusting I am and I will make a difference.
I need to pluck up the courage to put my stats on here too :(
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